“I’m Not Good Enough, I Failed”…

Failure & Success

It was 1976 and it was the year that my parents decided to divorce and for my mother to move my youngest brother ( 5 years younger) and I to a new home while my other brother ( 11 months younger than me) moved in with my Dad, his new wife and stepdaughter. Everything happened so fast, new school, new home, split family, new rules and responsibilities and living with a single Mom.

How did I feel about all this? I was very insecure, afraid and felt I did not belong. I was a skinny freckle faced, red head trying to fit in. Did I really try? No. Why? because I felt too insecure, too embarrassed, I did not have the right clothes and was not smart enough. I did make one friend that same year and I always felt that she felt the same way I did. It’s because of her that made me decide to write this (and there is another reason and I will explain later) we just recently connected on Facebook (not a coincidence) and when I saw her name and picture she stirred up a lot of emotions that told me “Helen you are still holding onto this” What am I holding onto? I FAILED! That’s right, I FAILED Grade 4. I’ll never forget that day, first day back at school in September and having to face the kids who were in my class move ahead without me and me having to face the kids that was before me. ┬áKids were not the nicest to those kids who failed.

So why did I fail? I did not realize it then but today I have had many “aha” moments through my healing process. It was because of all the things I endured that year as an 8 year old child, my life turned upside down and I had no control over it. I had chicken pox and missed 3 weeks of school, I missed my old home, I missed my father and my brother to another family, I had to watch my mother try to make it on her own ( and her new boyfriend) I was responsible for keeping the house clean, make the meals (if we had any food) feed and walk our dog and the most difficult part was looking after my little brother who was only 4 years old. I had to grow up FAST!! Did anyone at school know this? Nope, I kept it all to myself and faked it with a smile. I believe this is why I always helped the “underdog” I became an Empath at a very young age. I would befriend people to help them, even stray dogs because I felt like one of them. When I look back, the one greatest thing that came out of it was making friends with (who are still my best friends today) Laura & Heidi. Laura was new from Quebec & Heidi was new from another part of St. Catharines. They both knew and felt what I did, being the new kid on the block. Then the sad day came when Heidi moved to Toronto with her family and I was heart broken. She knew my secrets and that was also the same summer Laura went away to summer camp and again I found myself alone.

During that summer I was sitting at the “Sandpile” close to the lighthouse and crying over something my mother was upset at me for, and while I was crying I heard ” You are a golden child with a golden touch” I looked and looked and there was no one in sight, so of course I brushed it off. When I went home (hoping the coast was clear) I was inspired to pick up a pen and paper and out poured this beautiful poem called “The Golden Touch”. I was really proud of this poem and thought how did I write something so beautiful “I’m not good enough” but it gave me hope.

Flash forward, I just turned 16 and ran away from home in the middle of a snowstorm at midnight. I had just enough money for a one way ticket to Toronto. Back then Toronto seemed so far away and so BIG!! I had always wanted to be an actress, dancer, performer why? Because it was my escape, it was the empath in me. But that was not the reason why I left for Toronto, Heidi’s family new of my situation and always told me if I needed anything that they would be there for me. I filed this away until the day came and I felt the “nudge” to go. I followed my Intuition and until this day I have never looked back or moved back. I am still here in Toronto. Did I ever have any regrets? The only regret was leaving my little brother behind but that is a whole other story, a journey that my brother had to learn.

Moving forward again, yes I did do some performing, dancing and some acting but now here I am writing this for you as a Spiritual Medium (I’m willing to own this now). Or is it for me? I believe its for both. I’ve been told by many that I should write a book. My first thought was , “I’m not good enough”… When I look back at Heidi’s family taking me in, would I be where I am today? Would I have met my husband the way I did? Would my path be the same? Was I meant to fail Grade 4? Perhaps yes, I may not have met Laura and Heidi. Do I still think “I’m not good enough”? I will admit, sometimes yes. I strongly feel that I was meant to go down that path so I could share my experiences because I did learn and grow from it. I learned to not be afraid, to forgive, to trust, to love, to let go and just keep moving forward. That path led me to help others and I know that my loved ones and Spirit Guides have been supporting and guiding me all along.

Now I did mention earlier that I would explain the other reason for me writing this. The last 5 days I’ve lost my voice. I’ve been home meditating (working on my throat chakra) on what am I to learn through this and this is what I got. To LISTEN and WRITE. So here I am, the little read head, freckle faced not so thin anymore pouring out my story (only part of it) for you. Why? One to help me speak my truth and heal and the other to share with you that when you release your fears and all the negative thoughts from your past, that life really can turn around for you. Always trust your nudges, you never know where your path will take you and how it will all unfold. I know this to be true because I no longer think that “I’m not good enough and I did not Fail”.

P.S. I never did find that poem” The Golden Touch” I believe it may have been thrown out when I left home.

Intuitively Yours,

Helen

www.helenpeacock.ca

 

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